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Some Background Information

Born on June 28.

I have been dressing since age 4, in what a " closed minded society" calls feminine attire.

According to my mom, my first experience of being encased in slips and lingerie was on my return from the hospital after being born. I was wrapped in in a blanket surounded by her slips and panties in her lingerie drawer. She told me I slept as their was no space for a crib in their room at the broading house.

I have always been really into textures and feel of different fabrics. I love well cut silky materials that cling to my body.

My aunts told me they would love to come by and take me off with them shopping, and to pick up "boys", when I was about 3. I am sure I spent a great deal of time in the lingerie and dress fitting room areas of the many stores in our area, as they dressed, undressed and redressed.

I started "dressing" on my own at 4 by wearing my sister's panties first cotton, later nylon ones. By age 8, I was wearing nylon or satin panties whenever I could. I would wear clear panties and masterbated as I inhaled the scent of their soiled panties, but wishing that was my scent I was inhaling.

My mother discovered my "collections" on a few times. On a couple of occasions she questioned me; gently she asked, "Why was I doing this? Did I want to be a girl? Would I like her to assist me purchasing my own panties?" I was humiliated at being discovered and ashamed, but somehow I managed to deny everything and she left me alone after a while, although I really wanted her to understand and to tell me it was okay. I wish I would have said "YES", because I really did want her to assist me purchasing my own panties and show me how to put on makeup, wear it properly and feel more feminine in all parts of my life then.

But that was many year's ago in a not so enlighten time. If I was growing up today I am fairly certain I would reply "YES". The rules about what one must wear provide more options today, it is much easier to cross dress.

My dressing by then evolved to include the sensual enjoyment and excitement of bras, slips, garterbelts, stockings, petticoats, bathing suits, bikini's, dresses, jeans, anything feminine to feel like a girl. I was excited by the feel of the clothing against my skin. I would often wear panties under my PJs as I slept at night. Often I wished I had been born a girl. Silky undergarments and clothes were pretty, lacy, sexy and a real "turn-on". Traditional male clothes were just to wear to "please others", because they told me I had too. Sometimes when I was alone in the house I would wear my sister's or my mother's panties, bras, etc. I really liked the stockings, high heels and garterbelts. My legs looked longer in heels and felt cooler encased in nylon stockings. Having learned early on to tuck my penis between my legs and out of view, then I would look at myself in the mirror. I wished I could look like this all the time.

The verbal abuse my father heaped on my mother along with the physical and verbal abuse I received as a child made me want to be anything but an adult male. I am the oldest child in the family and took on many responsibilities from an early age. When the young childs screwed up it was my fault. When I screwed up I received additional beatings, with a leather strap. This drew me very close to MOM. I found myself wanting to be more like her and not to grow up to be anything like him.

As the years went by I looked for opportunities to stay home when the family was going somewhere, so I could have some time to enjoy exploring my other personality and experiment further. However, this led to terrible feelings of guilt - why am I doing this, I must not be normal, am I the only one in the world, etc. By the time I was a senior in high school, I was really bothered by what this meant. I was looking at girls, more from an admiration and envious standpoint than what I thought a "normal" guy should be feeling.

When I visited my cousin's I would look for opportunities to be upstairs alone. My room there was directly across from hers. When I was left alone in the house I would go into my cousin's room and try on her panties, garterbelts, stockings, high heels, and other undergarments. She was a couple of years older and a majorette. On several occasions I was able to have most of the day to enjoy the comfort and the peaceful calm I felt in her clothes. I was almost discovered on at least 3 occasions. On these visits I would hide her panties and stockings I had worn in my luggage conpartment for soiled clothing, and took them with me when we left to add to my collection.

After she went away to college, I got to spend whole visits in her room surrounded by her very feminine things for almost two weeks at a time. She had her own separate bathroom, so I could experiment with different looks and keep the items handwashed and dry them in the bathroom. I wore the many different outfits many times and would fall asleep in panties, babydoll pj's or her nightgowns. These are very special memories for me.

I remember watching an "All in the Family" episode with a male actor dressed as a woman and hearing the word "transvestite" for the first time. I ran to the dictionary in the house, and after reading the definition I realized that there must be many more people like me! Maybe I didn’t need to be a woman, maybe there was an alternative lifestyle I could live that would make me happy.

I have longed for special female friend to share this part of me. However, when I have shared with a female friend I am in a relationship with that I enjoy wearing what "society" classifies as feminine clothing and it allows me to better understand my feminine side. My genetic female partners have always ended the relationship shortly after this outpouring of my intermost secrets and soul. They did not understand my need for expression of this part of my personality. In addition, the clothing and undergarments were "MY" clothing of choice, not female or male clothing.

I too have been though numerous purges, some by others and several at my own hands. The cost of replacing "MY" wardrobe could have paid for the surgical procedures to make me more passable.

I love wearing panties, stockings, waist cinchers, garterbelts, camisoles, and other undergarments. I "adore" the special feeling when I have a pair of silk, satin or nylon against my skin. I especially enjoy hi-cut, hipster, and bikini panties. I have more leg movement in the hi-cut,and I like the look of a long leg. I have found that, nylon, satin, or silk; size 7 or Large is a good fit. There is a new micofiber called "Tactel" used in the making of undergarments. I have found newly acquired items with this fiber to feel very sensual as they hug my body.

I am currently separated; my wife did not approve of my cross-dressing. The three times she discovered my hiding place she has purged everything. In the spring of 2005, she again discovered that I made some new purchases and confronted me, "why do you keep buying panties; why do wear them and why do you hide them from me. This is sick and we cannot afford it." Again, I attempted to explain why I needed MY lingerie but she cut me off and said she did not want to hear it.

She does not understand that my need to dress in MY lingerie is not a choice, but a neccessary action to preserve what sanity I have left and helps to make it possible to cope in my present situation.

I wish I had a more understanding partner to accept me, and my need to further explore my femme side. The ideal partner would be Female as I seek a Trans-Lesbian relationship while I progress on my journey and exploration. I hunger for the nectar of a orgasmic lady.

Whenever possible, I like to wear panties under my masculine exterior clothing, and when possible thigh high stockings (or with garters, on special occassions with garterbelts). My favorite colors are candlelight or black. I am looking an attractive pair of heels to go along with this look.

I like the feel of stockings as my legs brush against each other as I walk. Then, add the cold air of winter embracing my legs and bottom and I really get a rush just thinking about it.

The desire to dress up runs in cycles sometimes it is stronger than others.  If I am unable to dress, I do daydream and fantastize, remembering the feelings that overcome me when I dress. I find it to be a release valve for the pressures and stress of being a male in today's crazy world. I can reconnect with the more sensitive and nuturing side of me.

Looking back on the occasions my mother located by hiding places, if I were confronted today, at that young age, would I use this opportunity to discuss my crossdressing. Also, I do believe she would have helped me, by us going out to pick out my panties, camisoles, makeup, etc. This is one of the points in life that, looking back at it, might have changed everything - what if my parents had put me in counseling then? Would I have progressed into a transgendered person actively seeking Surgical Reassignment Surgery (SRS), as I thought at the time? Would I have reached an equilibrium that kept me happy with facial reconstruction surgery to a more feminine look, breast augmentation, Adam's apple shaving, and years of voice training, just this side of the final surgery or move on thru Vaginaplasty and Labiaplasty?

The most important item that sustains me when I am unable to explore my feminine side is my visits with other websites similiar to my own, and your email. I would enjoy hearing from GGs, GWs, GLs who love CDs and TVs, other CD's, TV/TG's, PRE/POST-OP TS's and their significant others. Hopefully this establishes friendships, and possibly in person after establishing trust and I feel comfortable with meeting others.

You can me. I LOVE femail. Hope to hear from you soon.